


These Thoughts, To You

by isuilde



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, basically lots of anime retelling, except it's in a pining!makoto view i guess, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isuilde/pseuds/isuilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto has been pining for a long time. He still thinks he's okay with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Thoughts, To You

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, multi-chaptered. /laughs nervously. Just so it’s clear, you guys, I do not have a good record with multi-chaptered fics, mostly because I write erratically and I can never guarantee when the next chapter will be out. But still, I want to give this a try. So here goes. Do enjoy.

Makoto breathes “I think I love you,” into the water that ripples under his chin. 

The words disappear amongst the little bubbles. Makoto ducks his head under, tries to catch them all back, and thinks perhaps, if he inhales now, maybe he can swallow those words back, and pretends that they never exist. 

He surfaces, blinking away the drops of water clinging to his eyelashes, and tries again. He whispers “welcome back,” this time, watches every syllable makes the water swirl, and frowns in dissatisfaction. He wonders if Haruka is also in bath right now, if Haruka is thinking about the earlier impromptu match between him and Rin, if Haruka is thinking about Rin. 

“Oniichaaan,” Outside, Ran whines. “You take so long in the bath, Ran needs to pee!” 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

 “Gou-chan,” he calls out before the younger girl can skip out of the clubroom. There’s no one left, now; Haruka’s gone home with Nagisa first, and Ama-chan-sensei returned to the faculty office. Makoto lingers behind because it doesn’t feel right leaving empty buckets of paint and cement lying around the pool, and Gou helps him out because she’s a good kid, really. Also, he’s the captain after all, he has to lock up after. 

Gou pauses on the doorway, the sun behind her, making half of her face a silhouette. “Huh?” 

Makoto’s heart skips a bit. He curses inwardly— _they look so much alike, sometimes_. 

He covers it with a smile. “Would you mind giving me Rin’s number?” 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

He feels a little bad for not being able to stop grinning, because really, this isn’t about him—but the corners of his mouth twitch up nonetheless. 

Rin’s joined Samezuka swimming club, Nagisa said. Haruka had stiffened, and Makoto hadn’t been able to stop smiling since then. 

“It’s creepy,” Haruka says, when Nagisa leaves them to go to the bathroom. “Stop doing that.” 

Makoto blinks. “Doing what?” 

“Smiling like that.” 

“Eh? But it’s fine, isn’t it?” he leans back on the sliding door. “Haru should be more honest, too. Just a little. You’re happy about Rin, too, aren’t you?” 

Haruka’s gaze slides sideways, averting Makoto’s. “If he wants to swim then he should. It’s not complicated.” 

“I think,” Makoto smiles, because it’s true, and he knows better than to think Rin had joined the swimming club because of one random phone call from him. It hurts a little, knowing that Makoto can’t ever be a part of their history, but what matters is Haruka and Rin, and if Makoto could just be a little part of the story they weave together, then that’s enough. “Rin must have joined because of you.” 

Haruka turns to him, looks at him dead in the eyes as he frowns ever-so-slightly, and Makoto wonders for a second if he said something wrong.  It’s times like this that he feels like Haruka can see through him so easily, and Makoto is just there, laid bare and unable to do anything about it, and that shames him a little because he has things he hides from the world, things he hides from Haruka because it’s Haruka who matters, and not him, and he doesn’t want Haruka to see them. 

Haruka opens his mouth, seems to consider, and ends up saying, “I just want to swim.” 

“I know,” Makoto replies, relief spreading through his chest, and gives Haruka a smile. 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

Public phone is a rare thing, nowadays. Makoto is grateful that they’re still around, because it is his only chance to be selfish. 

_“Matsuoka Rin here. Can’t talk now, I’ll get to you later, don’t leave a message, bye.”_

Beep.

_“Matsuoka Rin here. Can’t talk now, I’ll get to you later, don’t leave a message, bye.”_

Beep.

_“Matsuoka Rin here. Can’t talk now, I’ll get to you later, don’t leave a mess—“_

“Oniichan,” Ren tugs on his pants, bored eyes looking up at him. “Are we done yet? If we don’t get home quick I’ll miss my show.” 

Makoto stares down at his younger brother, guilt and embarrassment trying to swallow him whole. “I’m sorry, Ren,” he hesitates, because a part of him whispers that it’s not enough, not enough yet. “I still need to—ah, the person I’m trying to call? He’s not picking up, you see, but it’s important, so I’m going to try for a bit more. Five minutes?” 

Ren looks reluctant. “What’s wrong with Oniichan’s cell phone? Can’t we do it while walking home?” 

He feels bad for lying to his younger brother. He does. But something in him itches, telling him that it’s still not enough, he still needs to hear Rin’s voice, just a bit more, and he’ll promise himself not to do this again after this, this will be the last— 

“Oniichan’s phone is dead. So please wait a bit more, okay Ren?” 

He buries his fingers in Ren’s hair, runs them through the strands, smiles at the reluctant nod Ren gives him, and waits. 

_“Matsuoka Rin here. Can’t talk now, I’ll get to you later, don’t leave a message, bye.”_  

Beep. 

_“Matsuoka Rin here. Can’t talk now, I’ll get to you later, don’t leave a message, bye.”_  

Beep. 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

He isn’t quite sure why, but Gou seems to find him best to confide in about her worries over Rin. 

“I don’t understand why he’s so hell-bent on not coming home,” she tells Makoto when she helps him shopping for the club supplies. She throws in a huge bottle of shampoo into their cart, movements so sharp and curt and angry that Makoto doesn’t even dare to tell her that she’s getting the wrong brand. “I keep telling him that Mom is worried; he hadn’t even explained to us why he suddenly decided to come back to Japan and attend Samezuka! The least he could do,” she turns to Makoto, eyes narrow and fierce, “is to come home, right?” 

“Um,” is Makoto’s only answer. He bends down to take the bottle of shampoo and replaces it with the right brand himself. 

Gou huffs. “He never replies my messages. Never picks up when I call, either.” Her fingers are playing with the price tag on a box of chlorine. “I hate seeing him like this. Like he doesn’t even want to be happier. Healthier. I keep wondering why he’s over there, you know. Why he isn’t here with you guys.” 

Makoto swallows. “Rin has always been… complicated,” he says lamely, shrugs when Gou directs an amused look at him. “He’s always liked to impress people. Maybe he just wants to show your family that he could handle himself.” 

“He spends his middle school in Australia, we already knew he could handle himself,” Gou throws back. “I just want him to come home from time to time, that’s all.” 

She misses Rin, Makoto realizes, and feels the tangible ache in his heart. Gou is much like Haruka—they’re the people who has the right to miss Rin, to see Rin, to know what’s going on with Rin—and there’s that small, red spark of envy in Makoto’s chest, because he’s not one of those people. He misses Rin, even if he has not the right to do so. 

When it comes to Rin, it’s never about Makoto. When it comes to Rin, Makoto is no one. 

Gou frowns. “Why did you replace the shampoo? That’s the best kind.” 

Makoto frowns back. “It’s expensive.” 

“Oh, I didn’t know that. Oniichan used to buy them in bulk back when he was little.” 

She wanders over to the stacks of towels that are on sale, and Makoto has half the mind to snag the aforementioned bottle of shampoo, just because. He tightens his grip on their cart instead and follows Gou’s swinging ponytail. 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

He tells Haruka of what Gou told him, because Haruka deserves to know. 

His best friend considers him for a long moment when he finishes, and says, “Makoto, do you want to go and see Rin?” 

Makoto stiffens. “I—“ he begins, and swallows back his answer. Instead he asks lamely, “What about you, Haru?” 

Haru returns his gaze onto the mackarel he’s cooking. “We promised to meet in the tournament.” 

“Yeah, you did, didn’t you,” Makoto murmurs, because it’s Haru and Rin who promised each other. This isn’t about Makoto. “Guess we’ll meet him there, won’t we.” 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

They meet Rin. Haruka loses. Makoto gets angry. 

“There’s more,” he says, cold and hard and watches the way Rin’s eyes go wide. Haruka is hurt, Makoto wants to say, Haruka is hurt because Rin is important to Haruka, more so than anyone else. It isn’t just about swimming—it has never been, whenever Rin is involved. “At least, Haru thought there was something more.” 

He’s angry. He’s angry because he doesn’t understand a thing about what’s happening between his two most important people, and he can’t do a damn thing except watching the two of them keep hurting each other. 

“That’s why he wanted to race you.” 

_That’s why you’re the only one who matters_ , Makoto wants to say. Because Rin is the only person Haruka would ever look at with that single-minded drive, and even Makoto can see the bond connecting them, tying them together—a bond that would make the both of them better, that would push them through the paths they’re supposed to take. A bond that would make them grow. 

And even though he wants desperately to be a part of that, he can’t. He can’t, because Makoto is nothing. 

“And I’m pretty sure you’re the one who taught him what that something was.” 

_Haruka loves you_ , he wants to say. _You’re important, Rin_. And the whole thing is unfair, because Makoto knows Rin loves Haruka, too. It’s always been that way—even way back in the elementary school, when Rin looked at Makoto and told him to get Haruka to join their relay team. 

“When we swam in that relay in grade school, you—“ 

Rin shouts, painful and raw, and Makoto can practically see his defense wall slamming back up, like a safety bubble that only works to hurt Rin more. He wants to reach out, wants to snag Rin’s hand and pull him back and tell him that it’s enough, that Rin’s only hurting himself and people, so stop it, he can still make it better, Haruka will understand, Haruka will— 

But it’s Nagisa who almost extends a hand, except Rin’s already out of their range, and nothing changes. 

So this is what rejection feel like, Makoto thinks. It’s a steady ache in his chest that beats in time with his heart, numbs the tips of his fingers, and threatens his throat to close up with every breath he takes. 

So this is how it ends, for him. He doesn’t even have to confess, he’s already rejected. 

**——-o0o——-**

He dreams of the big cherry blossom tree. He dreams of the three of them, standing in a line as they look up, wide-eyed at the prospect of a bigger world that sounds like a dream. 

Amazed, at the promise of something they haven’t seen in their lives, something new and exciting, and together, together they can— 

“I’ll show you a sight you’ve never seen before.” 

He knows he’s dreaming. He knows what would happen: how Rin grins roguely at Haruka, as if he’s just proposed the most outrageous thing in the world, of Haruka’s eyes widening as he’s sucked in completely into the motion Rin has created,of how the wind picks up like it celebrates the very moment that important promise is made. He knows he’s dreaming, but the wind is cold against his cheeks and his heart is beating so fast that his ears ring. 

The world is narrowing. It’s narrowing into Rin and Haruka, because they’re always the only ones that matter. And Makoto remembers, with a rush of hysteria that makes him want to laugh out loud, that this is the first time he truly understands that what’s between Rin and Haruka is not something he could touch, much less hope to be a part of. 

His breath is loud. Why is he breathing so loud? He’s going to ruin this moment—this moment when a new world begins, when everything is going to change, and he is simply an audience watching the protagonists run. 

Something in his chest hurts really badly. It doesn’t make any sense, he thinks, because he’s good, he’s okay with all of these; he’s an older brother and he’s learned to step aside, to let things run its course, to share and watch over people, to take care. He’s learned that he doesn’t need to be a part of something to feel happy, but— 

But this. 

He doesn’t really get why, doesn’t really want to know why, either. All he knows is that something in his chest hurts, that Rin and Haruka seem so far away and if he doesn’t do something right now, he’ll never be able to reach them. He’d be left behind, and he just desperately doesn’t want that. 

So he says, “Me, too Rin.” Half pleads, because he trusts this person, who’s pushed all of them into motion, who barged into their lives and streaked colors everywhere and Makoto’s life had never felt more right. “Me, too. Show me the sight, too.” 

Not even in his dream does Rin ever looks back and directs that rogue grin at him. 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

It’s like he’s thrown back to the past. 

Except it’s Gou and Coach Sasabe and the others on the audience stand shouting supports. Except this time,he doesn’t hear Rin and Nagisa’s voices shouting his name. But that’s okay. That’s okay, because he’s seeing bright blue sky that stretches out endlessly above him, and all he can think is _hey, Rin, I can see it. Just like back then, I can see it._  

“Nagisa!” he shouts, and for a second time stops as the younger boy dives. The water jumps, but makes way for Nagisa as he shoots in the water, arms stretching long and fast, and Makoto doesn’t take his eyes off him even as he heaves himself off the pool. Fast. Nagisa is faster than he’s always been all summer, and they’re catching up, third place, and next is— 

Rin is stepping up on the block, a look of determined concentration on his face. Behind him, Haruka stands, eyes careful and observant, and for the first time since the school year began, Makoto thinks it might finally be okay. 

He folds his hands into fists, so they wouldn’t involuntarily reach out and touch Rin. But the warmth and adrenaline in his chest is jumping, hammering and making their way up his throat, and he can’t help but says lowly, “I saw.”

Rin stiffens. For a second, their eyes meet. 

“I saw it.” Makoto repeats, voice soft and in wonder, and thinks of little Rin who grins and pulls people along with him. Little Rin, whose presence seemed bigger than life, whose grins were confidence if a bit haughty, whose laughter bright and weightless. The Rin who stands in front of him seems smaller in comparison, the Rin who’s gotten tired of trying, of struggling. There’re still embers in his eyes, flickering and unsure, but Makoto isn’t worried. 

“It’ll be okay,” Makoto says, then, because he knows he doesn’t matter, turns to Haruka. “Right, Haru?” 

“I told you I’ll show you that sight.” Haruka says, and he looks past Makoto and Rin at the pool. At Nagisa, who is fast approaching. “Go, Rin.” 

“Yeah,” Rin turns his back to them, and closes his eyes. Makoto watches, as Nagisa comes even closer, as Rin snaps his swimming goggles into place, as Rin’s smile grow into a grin he hasn’t seen in years. 

“Rin-chan!” Nagisa gasps, and Rin jumps, breaks into the water, and sails. Makoto loses his breath for a second, because it’s beautiful, the way Rin’s figure slices through the water, sharp and fast like a shark. He hears Haruka exhale, almost like a dream, and manages to rip his eyes off Rin for a moment to see his best friend step up the block. 

Haruka stands, all taut muscles and elegant lines, eyes fixed only at the pool, and Makoto knows it isn’t a world he can enter. 

“Haru!!” Rin shouts, and Haruka flies. 

It will be forever burnt behind Makoto’s eyelids—Haruka’s body arching above the water, slicing through as the water embraces him, and a breathless Rin, captivated by the gorgeous sight. It’s their world, a world no one can enter, a world that narrows down to the two of them, where there’s only each other to see. 

It breaks as soon as Nagisa screams Haruka’s name into the air, and Makoto forgets everything but the race, shouting until his throat feels raw, until the pounding inside his chest drown the steady ache that lingers completely, until the number next to Iwatobi High School name on the score board blinks to one— 

His heart jumps. 

The arena shatters into a deafening cheer. 

He drops to his knees, one hand automatically extended towards his best friend because this is the only thing Makoto’s got the absolute right to do. Haruka looks up, eyes the color of the deepest sea, half-confused and unsure for a second, like he isn’t sure he’d just won, and Makoto wants to laugh.

“Haru!” he says instead, hears Nagisa sobbing next to him and chuckles wetly. “Stop crying, Nagisa!” 

Haruka’s grip is firm, just as his smile as Makoto pulls him up and off the pool. Makoto has a second to squeeze Haruka’s hand, before the pitter-patter of feet running towards them make him turn, and just like that, Makoto’s breath stops. 

Rin pounces on Haruka, and sobs. 

But there are smiles; there are thankful words, and the corners of Makoto’s mouth stretches into a huge grin as he exchanges a glance with Nagisa. Screw it, he thinks, because they won and everything is so bright and beautiful, so he follows Nagisa, runs forward and lets his arms wind around them with a loud smack. 

_I’ll keep you both safe_ , Makoto tells them silently as his arms tighten.  _I’ll never let your bond shatter, not when it makes you both so happy._

And it’s enough. Enough for him, to hear his name slipping out of Rin’s lips like it’s the easiest thing in the world, to have an arm around Rin’s shoulder and one of Rin’s arm around his, to hear Nagisa chirping out Rinrin like it’s a lost treasure of theirs that they finally find back. To have Rin’s arm tightening and pulling him closer, with a grin as bright as their childhood days. 

Makoto laughs, and cherishes the touch. 

  
**——-o0o——-**  

The picture hangs on their changing room. Makoto catches himself smile whenever his gaze fall on it. It’s silly, but at least he manages to stop himself from stroking the picture every time. 

“Makoto-senpai?” Rei pipes up, when it’s the two of them left in the changing room and Makoto only just realizes he’s been looking at that picture for a full five minutes. “Is there something on the picture?” 

Makoto blinks, wrenches his gaze away, and laughs sheepishly. “Uh, no. I was just thinking.” He turns his gaze back on the picture, this time with a thoughtful noise. “It’s amazing.” 

“It’s a beautiful picture,” Rei agrees, and Makoto wants to laugh because Rei doesn’t seem to understand the importance of what he’s done that day, what he’s saved. 

“No, Rei,” he says, because he thinks Rei needs to know. “It’s you. You’re amazing.” 

The bespectacled boy shifts, clearly taken aback. “I—“

“If it weren’t for you, they’d still be hurt now,” Makoto murmurs. “Haru and Rin.”

Rei opens his mouth, seemingly about to say something, but then pauses. 

“It was the right thing to do,” he says at last, his shoulder relaxing and his expression softening. “Since it was—beautiful. All of you were.” 

Makoto chuckles. “Haru and Rin, you meant.” 

“That’s not what I—Senpai?” the odd, worried tone in Rei’s voice is what makes Makoto turns, only to see Rei peering up in concern. Something in Makoto’s chest sinks—what kind of face is he making now, what did Rei see, god, Makoto should know better than to let his feelings about this slips out—and hastily, he lets a soft smile rises, wide enough for his eyes to crinkle. 

“And you, too, Rei. Thank you.” 

He can see hesitation flickering on Rei’s face, only to be chased away by the faint blush coloring his cheeks. Makoto laughs, because his kouhai is sure adorable, and thinks about how happy his life is. 

**——-o0opart 1 endso0o——-**


End file.
